Classified Ads

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

• "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
• "2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
• "Washing machine: free to good home."
• "No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
• "Great Dames for sale."
• "Lost Cocktail."
• "Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
• "German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."
• "Free ducks. You catch."
• "1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"
• "Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."
• "Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
• "2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"
• "For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"
• "Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"
• "Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"
• "Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
• "Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
• "Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."
• "Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
• "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"
• "Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
• "Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."
• "This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
• "Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."
• "Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."
• "Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
• "Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."
• "Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."
• "Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."
• "Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
• "A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
• "Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
• "Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
• "His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
• "For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
• "Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
• "Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
• "We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
• "We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
• "Tattoos done while you wait."
• "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
• "Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
• "If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
• "Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
• "Stock up and save. Limit: one."
• "For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
• "Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."
• "TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."
• "This house has been fully insulted."
• "Man, honest. Will take anything."
• "Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"
• "Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
• "3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."
• "Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
• "Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."
• "Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
• "Illiterate? Write today for free help."
• "Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
• "Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
• "Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."
• "And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
• "We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."