Classified Ads

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

• "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
• "2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
• "Washing machine: free to good home."
• "No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
• "Great Dames for sale."
• "Lost Cocktail."
• "Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
• "German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."
• "Free ducks. You catch."
• "1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"
• "Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."
• "Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
• "2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"
• "For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"
• "Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"
• "Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"
• "Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
• "Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
• "Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."
• "Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
• "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"
• "Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
• "Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."
• "This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
• "Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."
• "Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."
• "Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
• "Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."
• "Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."
• "Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."
• "Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
• "A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
• "Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
• "Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
• "His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
• "For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
• "Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
• "Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
• "We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
• "We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
• "Tattoos done while you wait."
• "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
• "Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
• "If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
• "Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
• "Stock up and save. Limit: one."
• "For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
• "Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."
• "TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."
• "This house has been fully insulted."
• "Man, honest. Will take anything."
• "Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"
• "Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
• "3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."
• "Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
• "Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."
• "Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
• "Illiterate? Write today for free help."
• "Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
• "Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
• "Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."
• "And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
• "We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."

Love and Marriage

• "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7
• "Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9
• "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8
• "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9
• "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8
• "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5
• "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, 10
• "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6
• "One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6
• "My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8
• "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7
• "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8
• "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -- Anita, 9
• "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10
• "Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10
• "A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -- Marlon, age 10
• "[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -- Kirsten, age 10
• "Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9
• "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

Kissing:

• "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8
• "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10
• "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9
• "You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7
• "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6
• "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10
• "I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8
• "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7
• "The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8
• (on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing gum!" -- Boy, age 6

Beauty:

• "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Anita, age 8
• "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -- Christine, age 9
• "It isn't always how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything, and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7

How People In Love Act:

• "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8
• "They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10
• "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." -- Sherm, age 8
• "Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." -- Sarah, age 9
• "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -- Christine, age 9
• "See if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -- John, age 9
• "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -- Craig, age 9

What Mom and Dad Have In Common:

• "Both don't want no more kids." -- Lori, age 8

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

• "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6
• "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

• "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6
• "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

• "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6
• "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

• "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6
• "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

• "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6
• "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

• "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6
• "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

• "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6
• "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

• "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6
• "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

How To Tell If Two People Are Married:

• "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6
• "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8

Forgiveness Quotes

I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one. ~Henry Ward Beecher


Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. ~Mark Twain


Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast. ~Marlene Dietrich


It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission. ~Grace Hopper


The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ~Mahatma Gandhi


To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. ~Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgiveness - The Power to Change the Past," Christianity Today, 7 January 1983 (Thanks, Donna)


Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. ~William Arthur Ward


Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~Paul Boese


You can make up a quarrel, but it will always show where it was patched. ~Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911


It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. ~William Blake, Jerusalem


Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. ~Isaac Friedmann


Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself. ~Harriet Nelson


He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass. ~George Herbert


There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site. ~Sydney Harris


Nobody forgets where he buried the hatchet. ~Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard, Abe Martin's Broadcast, 1930


Yes, this is what good is: to forgive evil. There is no other good. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin


What we forgive too freely doesn't stay forgiven. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960


It's far easier to forgive an enemy after you've got even with him. ~Olin Miller


There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. ~Josh Billings


Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation. ~Roberto Assagioli


One thing you will probably remember well is any time you forgive and forget. ~Franklin P. Jones


Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge, and dares forgive an injury. ~E.H. Chapin


Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. ~Oscar Wilde

Funny Karachi

Sardar Joke

What do you call a sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh.

What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff.
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.
Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday

Q. Why can't Sardar dial 911?
A. They can not find the eleven on the phone
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Q. What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
A. He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!
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Q. What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper?
A. As he has already one with him, he takes a photocopy of the white paper !!!
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Q. Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A. Because below 18 was not allowed.
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Q. How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
A. Stick a tyre pressure gauge in his ear.
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Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
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Q. What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
A. Run like crazy….he's got a hand grenade in his
mouth.
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Q. How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
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Q. What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A. Trying to hold on to a thought.
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Q. Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
A. So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
—————
Q. Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
A. They always forget the recipe.
—————
Q. How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
A. He threw it off a cliff.
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Q. What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A. A wind tunnel.
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Q. What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
A. The back of his head.
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Q. Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
A. They think their picture is being taken.
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Q. Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.
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Q. How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
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Q. How do you get Sardar on the roof?
A. Tell him the drinks are on the house.
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Q. "Oh, look at the dead bird.
A. " Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?